Why Do Spouses Cheat?

It is an unfortunate circumstance when a spouse cheats. A recent study shows that one in 2.7 men will cheat on their wives and the wives will never know it happened. Cheating is seen as wrong and violation of a marriage, but it still happens, often. Why?

The number one reason men cheat has nothing to do with sex, but is predicated on a lack of emotional connection in the marriage. While men try not to come off as emotional, they often are and a feeling of being under-appreciated can manifest itself by seeking the attention of another woman.

This is not say it is the fault of the wife. With responsibilities piling up like kids, chores, bills, expectations, couples naturally drift apart. Men and women deal with that in different ways. Men cheat to find fulfillment.

Men often do not cheat with women who are more attractive either. Most of the time, men cheat with women who look much like their wives because they are finding women who are interested in them, their lives, jobs, etc. and that is the connection that is made.

The trouble with men cheating is that most lie about it. Often times there are large lies and deceit associated with cheating. Only seven percent of men admit to cheating to their wives. This means that not only are spouses cheating, but they are lying about it and that compounds the problem.

Often times when spouses cheat, it is something that just sort of occurs. Many do not plan to sleep with someone else. They develop a strong friendship or bond with someone and it falls into a physical relationship. The picture painted of cheaters is that they are out looking for sex, but usually, someone just finds a friend that they connect with well.

There are some signs that a person is cheating or is about the cheat. The spouse spends more time away from home, there is less sex in the marriage, they avoid eye contact, they do not answer phone calls, and they are more critical of the other person.

These are indicators that there is something wrong in the marriage that could lead the other person to find emotional comfort with someone else.

When a spouse cheats, it is a horrible betrayal. The reason why is often associated with emotional fulfillment and those need to be addressed early before an affair starts.

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Relationship Problems - Understanding the Infidelity Equation!

One of the biggest factors that will drive a marriage to the brink of disaster is trying to change your partner! If you have been guilty of pursuing that counterproductive course of action you may as well stop because not only will your efforts prove unsuccessful, but they will also destroy your marriage! You can't change your partner, only he can change himself! Honestly, has all your pleading prodding, begging and threatening stopped him from cheating? If you don't fix the underlying issues that caused him to stray in the first place, he'll continue with the status quo - even if he has to accomplish it covertly. The only way to get your husband to stop cheating is by changing your self! Sure, you can act rashly by pulling the plug and filing for divorce; however, without investing in some personal growth and development, you won't learn a thing. And, you'll probably attract another cheater the next time around as well. In my opinion, if you change your side of the equation, in all likelihood, your partner will do the same.

I like to think of a troubled marriage as an equation such as B + B= UNHAPPY MARRIAGE. Now, having said that let me pose a hypothetical for a moment; if one side of the equation were to change the other will change, and we end with A+A=HAPPY MARRIAGE. So, how do you change the equation? Well, let's look at the situation from your husband's perspective. First, let me say that regardless of how he perceives his infidelity, it is wrong. But, if you want to save your marriage, you must step into his shoes for a moment. In his mind, infidelity is a solution for fulfilling the emotional needs that you've failed to deliver. Take a few moments to reflect on this. I'll bet you can uncover the fears and insecurities that pushed him out the door. Fear of abandonment or intimacy, jealousy, control, or low self-esteem issues are often the culprits responsible.

Realistically speaking, you want your husband to change his cheating behavior, and he wants you to stop controlling his every move, being jealous of his friendships, being fearful of him leaving you, and to become a confident women. However, both you and your husband are resistant to change. So, can you see where this is going? It's all about change isn't it! So, how do you get your partner to change? Well, first let me say that people are resistant to change because someone else is forcing or manipulating them to take action. Remember, you can't change him! Prodding, pleading, arguing, and threatening him will not work. Only he can change himself.

Now, you may be skeptical, and in fact you may even be thinking that your husband can't change! If that's what's running through your mind, I would like to offer the following statement; HE ALREADY DID CHANGE! Initially, your husband was the loving, caring, faithful, and understanding person that you wanted, and you made a connection with him that ultimately blossomed into marriage. However, somewhere along the line your husband changed, didn't he? Just so happens the change he made didn't make a positive contribution to the marriage, did it? Therefore, he did change! And it's possible for him to change again. However, if you truly want to save your marriage, you must change the only part of the equation that you can - yours! If you change, it is highly likely that your husband will follow your lead. HENCE A+A=HAPPY MARRIAGE!

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Marriage Affair: Common Problems You May Face

A marriage affair breaks the commitment made by both partners. There is nothing heartbreaking than finding out that the one you love is actually having extra pleasure outside your union. Extramarital issues include those activities like extramarital sex, infidelity and adultery.

Adultery refers to the act of having sexual relationships outside a union. This practice can be really devastating to a partner. The common factor which leads to such unfaithful acts could be the fact that the involved person might not be obtaining enough sexual pleasure from the union. This drives them to look for satisfaction somewhere else.

Adultery can really cause adverse effects to matrimony. Healing from such unfaithful act is usually very difficult not unless the culprit is remorseful for the act. To save such a union must have the drive to do so. This calls for commitment and a lot of trust which might not be fully recovered in some situations.

Extramarital sex is more or less the same as adultery. This practice is condemned by most religious councils and is considered a satanic act. Some states have laws involving the act and if one is found guilty, severe penalties can be incurred. Such an act is very common in the society and it only true love can deter any of the partners from wandering outside. Commitment is a requirement in every union.

Infidelity is also another from of cheating. It can involve either physical or emotional intimacy outside matrimony. It is more than having extramarital sex and can include such acts like lying, disloyalty and betrayal of trust. Every culture has it own vies about this act. What is common though is that it is unaccepted in a matrimonial union.

Any form of cheating tends to bring mistrust in a matrimonial union. Partners are expected to remain exclusives of each other and not philander outside the union. Mending a union after such acts can really be tricky in most cases. It all depends on the partners if the union is worth saving after all. In cases where children are involved, Strong considerations must be considered before opting out.

Recovering from unfaithfulness in marriage affair is quite the same as picking up the pieces after a stormy breakup of a relationship. Complete trust is usually very difficult to obtain after such scenarios. It requires the complete commitment from both parties in order to recover from a marriage affair and save the relationship.

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Why Do People Judge Affairs

Affairs, whether extramarital or not face lots of judgment from the society. Most people feel that the judging is not sensible since the individuals getting into the affairs are grown ups and have their own minds to make decisions in life. The society will always have something to say as far as the affairs are concerned to the dislike of many people.

There is no greater pain than the pain of being cheated on and the consequences that come with the cheating can be devastating. Marriage is an institution that is meant to last for a lifetime but the affairs have slowly crept into it making it hard for marriages to survive the test of time. As much as people hate the judging that come with the affairs, nothing less should be expected from the society because of the belief that it has on marriage.

Affairs are of different kinds and different people get into them because of different reasons. There are some who run away from pain and fear surrounding their marriages and found refuge in the affairs. The affairs have proved to be much more than just sex as they come complete with deeper emotions. It is why most people will stay in them till that dreadful day they get caught. The affairs are a way of reviving individuals who feel dead in the marriages which is why the judgment is condemned by many.

Since the Mature Dating seem to be helpful but at the same time very wrong and individuals need to take every detail into consideration. It is not enough to be selfish as not to think about the other person and how she or he will feel on finding out about the affair. The individuals are for sure old enough to make decisions but the rest of the aspects to the affair need to be considered. The individual also needs to be prepared for the consequences which will come from the affair.

Most people easily judge the affairs as they put themselves in the shoes of the victim and feel their pain. They therefore feel they have the right to judge the cheats and harshly for that matter for causing the pain and suffering. This is something that is not about to change and people will always judge the affairs. It all depends on how prepared individuals are to face the consequences of their actions.

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The Harsh Judgment Affairs Get Compared to Other Flaws

Extramarital affairs have increased with time and they face harsh judgment from the society at large. Even though human beings have plenty of other flaws, being caught in an extramarital affair seems to be the worst as far as society judging is concerned. Individuals getting into the affairs are either running from marriage troubles and conflict or simply have the need to test the waters elsewhere.

The harsh judgment is not about to die out and therefore individuals thinking of getting into the extramarital affairs need to know what to expect from the society as well as the consequences from their partners. The affairs have greater consequences compared to the rest of the flaws natural to humans which could be why they get judged so harshly. Below are some of the consequences:

Self esteem damage: this is on the part of the individual whose spouse cheats. They end up with lots of questions about where they went wrong, failed or never met their partner's needs. The children in the picture will also tend to put the blame on themselves and this has negative effects on their self esteem.

Lack of trust: the victim in the affair will suffer great difficulties when it comes to trust and even though they could make up after the affair, the thoughts that spouse could be cheating again will always arise. The same happens when the marriage ends since the individual will find it hard to trust potential partners. Unless one gets professional help, it can be hard to move on after a divorce or separation.

Sense of instability: the cheater will feel crumbled up in his own world after getting caught and will feel that the security he or she felt in life has suddenly been shuttered. It becomes hard to even face friends and family after the exposure and most people sink to their lowest point leaving them with that awful unstable feeling deep inside. It calls for great effort to get up again.

Hurt feelings: after the exposure, both parties will go through a lot of pain. This is the pain that makes it hard for the victim to forgive and the marriage ends in a painful divorce. The pain is definitely too much to handle and the victim will always feel like running away and if things are not resolved fast, affair only gets worse. Remember relation calls for great effort to get up again.

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I Want The Other Woman To Look Me In The Eye And Apologize - Am I Wrong?

I sometimes hear from wives who are adamant that they want a face to face meeting with the woman who cheated with their husband because she wants a heartfelt apology. I heard from a wife who said: "I actually knew the other woman. She lives in our neighborhood and she works out at our gym. It's not as if we are next door neighbors or best friends or anything like that. But we are acquaintances. I was in a car accident and in the hospital when she came over with a covered dish and obviously with something else for my husband and this is how the affair started.

I feel so betrayed and hurt by this. When I was the most vulnerable, this nasty woman took advantage of this and then started an affair with my husband. As soon as I found out, my husband said he would immediately end things and even move if I wanted. Well, I don't want to move. This is my home. If anyone should move, it is her. What I really want is for her to come into my home or the scene of the crime so to speak, look me in the eye, and give me a heartfelt apology. Because I really want to ask her how she could come into an injured and hospitalized woman's home and behave this way. However, when I shared my thoughts with my husband, he felt that this was a bad idea. He said why even continue to have any contact at all with her and he said that he feels that she won't be apologetic anyway. Is he right? Do I deserve an apology? Should I demand one?"

Although You Deserve An Apology, She May Not Have The Desire To Offer You One: Here is my opinion as someone who has been there. I absolutely believe that you deserve an apology and I understand why you want one. You feel as if you need to look her in the eye and make her understand how heinous and deplorable her actions actually were. You want to see at least some form of remorse or acknowledgement in her eyes. Unfortunately though, it's my observation that you are rarely going to get what you need from her, especially in this case. Think about it. We are talking about a woman who is so calculating and ruthless that she was preying on a husband with a wife in the hospital. (I'm not saying that the husband is not partly to blame but clearly, he did not initiate the contact.)

Another consideration is that very often, she will be defensive. Often, she will set it up so that the wife is in some way to blame. You often hear women who are fond of cheating with married men say things like: "well if she would have taken care of her husband, she wouldn't have had to worry about me." Or "well if she had kept her man happy, then no other woman could have turned his head." I am not saying that these phrases or accurate and not downright nasty, but this is what you will often hear.

By Asking For An Apology, You're Letting Her Into Your Life. And You Might Not Get The Closure That You're Hoping For When You're Dealing With Someone Like This: Frankly, initiating contact with her is, at least in my opinion, continuing to allow her into your life. I know that you hope that you might gain some ground or reclaim your self esteem if you look at her eye to eye. But if I am being honest with you, I have to tell you that these meetings often do not go well and they do not provide the closure that the wife usually hopes for. Sometimes, the other woman will be downright nasty and will actually try to say the most hurtful things imaginable. Other times, she will try to make it sound like your husband was the aggressor. She might even insinuate that the affair is still going on. Sometimes, she whips out photos and texts. It is not unusual for these meetings to turn into a physical altercation. Who needs that?

My Opinion: It's my opinion that you deserve an apology from two people but you should only seek it from one - your husband. Because moving forward, he is the only one who you should be in continued contact with. Ideally, you want to move on with your life and stop all contact with this woman. But, whether you save your marriage or not, it's a safe bet that, especially if you have children, you will still be in contact with your husband. It is the relationship with him that matters because with a little work, she should only be a tiny blip in your life. Don't give her any more time than she has already taken. Don't allow her to continue to impede into your life and into your mind. Leave her behind and realize that women like this often do not see where they are wrong anyway. And that means that they are not likely to give you the apology that you want.

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How to React When Caught in the Act of Cheating

Wanting to be with someone other than your partner is natural, but giving in to the desire and cheating on them means that the relationship is just not important enough anymore, for love is all about choosing to be with your partner in spite of lust for others. People cheat usually when they have lost interest in their partner, or their partner has lost interest in them. In both situations, cheating on your partner is not the best way out. However, the bigger dilemma is: what to do when you're caught cheating on your partner? Don't worry, help is at bay.

If you cheated on your partner because you had lost interest in them, there is little hope for you because once you don't love your partner the way you did before, it takes a lot of work to fall back in love with the same person. This often comes with harboring expectations from your partner and wanting for them to change, collapsing the true meaning of love which is to accept and cherish your partner the way they are.

In such a case, the first thing to do would be to accept your mistake and apologize. Be honest; talk to your partner about why you did it and tell them that you don't love them the way you did before. Don't accuse your partner of having compelled you to do it, for if you really loved them you would have never done it in the first place-and such a stance never solves problems. If your partner is ready to give you another chance, putting all the guilt aside, think about whether you love this person or not. Don't give it another try just for the sake of making up, for you'll end up hurting them even more. But if you really want to give it another shot because you still find something interesting in your partner then go for it and make sure not to repeat your mistake.

If you cheated on your partner because you had lost interest in them, the most popular excuse would be your partner itself-but remember, that didn't give you a free ticket to cheat on them. The first step instead, is to be honest and be apologetic about what you did. Talk to your partner about their changed behavior or narrowed interest in you, about how that made you feel and then acknowledge that it compelled you to cheat. If your partner understands you and is ready to accept you again, then give your relationship another chance. If not, then breaking up is the best solution because it will keep you from falling into the same problem all over again.

Overall, when you are caught cheating, acknowledging your mistake, apologizing for it and talking about it are the best ways to react. Keep in mind that it's not all about you, but it is about your partner too-and more so, your relationship.

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